


Looking Back to Move Forward

by ileavetheroomsmiling



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s01e08 Two Sane Guys Doing Normal Things, Everyone Is Gay, Feelings Realization, Gen, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24432784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ileavetheroomsmiling/pseuds/ileavetheroomsmiling
Summary: Dirk gets his injured shoulder taken care of after fixing all of the body-swapping-time-machine madness, but there’s still something that feels much worse than a couple of arrow wounds bothering him. Farah is a good friend and helps him figure some things out.
Relationships: Farah Black & Dirk Gently
Comments: 30
Kudos: 27
Collections: DGHDA Beginner Bang 2020





	Looking Back to Move Forward

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [Juniper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/juniper_and_lamplight) for being an incredibly encouraging and helpful beta! I'm so glad to have participated in the 2020 DGHDA Beginner Bang and to share my first fic ever.

When he really thought about it, Dirk couldn’t help but laugh at himself. More recently, though, this laugh had become more of a fond chuckle than an embarrassed castigation. Sure, it had meant reexamining some memories he’d rather not think about, coupled with many a sleepless night and teary-eyed conversations with Farah, but he was no longer plagued by that overwhelming sense of shame that used to flare up whenever he thought about it in the past.

When he let himself think about it, really _really_ think about it, Dirk couldn’t blame himself for falling in love with Todd. 

He wishes he would’ve realized it earlier. It really frustrates him that his universe link––whatever it was––somehow let him be privy to the smallest and most obscure details of people’s lives as they related to cases, but he had still gone a good majority of his life unable to recognize his own feelings. 

_How does that even happen? How could such an important part of myself remain unknown to me?_ Me! _The person who goes around and sees the connections between the little things that no one else could ever_ dream _of understanding! The one who sees a girl and a dog and a time machine and can_ somehow _make enough sense of_ that _shitshow to try and explain the whole deal to some scary guy with old-fashioned glasses who wouldn’t stop yelling about wanting his dog back!_

Dirk pulls himself back into the present. He has been practicing going through memories with care and acceptance rather than a weird nostalgia that was at the same time regretful and angry. That time, with the glasses-guy and his goons who just wanted his dog slash Lydia Spring.

Dirk remembers how sure he was that the guy, true evil-villain monologue style, would put all of the pieces of their absolutely wild case together. He also remembers how discouraged he felt upon realizing that the poor guy had no better idea of what was going on than he and Todd did. 

The thing he remembers most, however, is how guilty he felt getting Todd into that situation with him. Before the glasses-guy started his thousand question rant at them as those bald henchmen kept them on the ground kneeling, Todd had asked Dirk if they were going to die.

Dirk was so sure that the evil-villain monologue would put all of the pieces together; he could feel himself deflating as he looked across at Todd, realizing that the case definitely hadn’t gone as he thought it would.

Everything worked out alright, he can reassure himself with that now, but back in that moment, it had been absolutely terrifying to think that Todd could be hurt or even killed because of his association with Dirk.

Dirk had worried about Blackwing being able to find him through any friends he made through his cases, but somehow with Todd, it felt different. He knows now what the difference was, of course. 

Looking back now, long after the end of their case in Wendimoor with the boy, Dirk feels particularly thankful for one moment that came out of all that madness. Farah, his unfailingly caring friend, had given him a desperately needed chance to unburden himself, to let out some of the crushingly strong feelings that had built up inside him through the duration of the Lydia Spring case. 

Dirk is grateful for the amazing people he has met and been lucky enough to have as friends through many exciting cases––Tina, Hobbs, Todd, of course; even Bart––but he thinks he’ll always consider Farah’s friendship as the thing that let him start his process of growth and self-acceptance. 

Maybe she had known how important her willingness to listen and reassure without one ounce of judgment would be, maybe she hadn’t. Either way, Dirk knows that without her, he might have gone a painfully long time without feeling safe enough to share his troubles with anyone. 

He feels a wave of comfort as he remembers that day, when he finally had time to think through everything that had happened in the surprisingly short time that had passed since he had met Todd.

\---

Once the case was solved, with the multiple Patrick Springs all reaching their conclusions or at least remaining on the paths they had set for themselves, with Lydia being back in her actual body, things had finally started settling down. 

Farah had immediately gotten Lydia to safety, focusing all of her energy on getting plans in motion to get her away from all of this madness. Amanda had texted her to say that Estevez took Dirk to the hospital and that she was sitting with Todd in his post-Rowdy 3 apartment trying to convince him to take a much-needed nap. Farah wondered why Todd hadn’t gone with Dirk, remembering how she had told Todd she assumed they had been together for _years_ during the debacle with the underground maze.

Amanda was apparently thinking the same thing but had a little more information to work with.

After Lydia had departed, Farah was admittedly shocked when she read Amanda’s second text, one that made a valiant effort at making sense of Todd’s apparent mess of rambling that seemed to boil down to Dirk having lied about everything and how much he hated Dirk now. Farah, still processing this rift in a seemingly untouchable friendship, got in her car as soon as Amanda told her that Estevez had needed to go back to work and couldn’t stay with Dirk.

Farah, being her usual anxious self, had wanted to ensure that Dirk didn’t have any lingering injuries that the hospital staff could have missed given the arguably strange nature in which they were inflicted.

She was also nervous about that secret program––Blackwing, she thought she remembered Dirk saying once. She hadn’t even thought to keep watch on Dirk’s hospital room, but thinking about how easily Lydia had slipped out of her watch and into the hands of that awful man and his crowd, she knew she wanted to go check on him.

Dirk had been sleeping when she arrived, so she went over to a friendly-looking nurse in order to investigate if he had had any potentially unwelcome visitors.

With some effective yet not quite suspicious questions, Farah learned that an older man in a dark suit had been in with Dirk not thirty minutes before, talking at him while he slept and then leaving after a couple of minutes. The nurse said he had thought the man had been Dirk’s father. 

Farah knew better.

Just like it took her a matter of seconds to realize the man harassing Amanda in Todd’s apartment wasn’t really with the FBI, she immediately recognized such behavior as that of a Blackwing agent, probably the high-level one named Riggins that Dirk had told her about on their car ride after they first encountered Bart and Ken.

So, Farah decided that she would sit with Dirk as long as the hospital staff would let her, to make sure no Blackwing agents got anywhere near him. Mostly though, as she thought of Amanda’s messages, she just wanted to look after him. 

Farah sat down and waited patiently for him to wake up, understanding that this rest was helpful both physically and mentally, given what Amanda had told her about what must have been an awfully upsetting situation with Todd. 

\---

Dirk, opening his eyes slowly but without much difficulty, eased upon seeing Farah in the chair to the left side of his bed.

He had been so worried that Riggins would bring back-up (that _inordinately_ chaotic man who seemed only to understand instructions as attack commands) and take him away––he had managed to pretend he was sleeping while Riggins had talked to him earlier. 

Farah though, _no one_ got past Farah. The mere sight of her friendly face brought a sense of comfort he hadn’t even known he’d needed.

Noticing his waking movements, Farah sat up in her chair. “How are you feeling?” she asked softly.

“I’m alright. It’ll take more from the universe than a couple of arrows to stop me…”

Farah hesitated. “Yeah. Yeah, good. But I kind of meant… you know?”

 _Oh,_ Dirk considered. He collected his thoughts, realizing that Todd had gone back to his apartment with Amanda while he had been driven to the hospital by Estevez. 

_Amanda must’ve asked her to sit here with me because she knows Todd won’t go anywhere_ near _me now that the case is finally over._

He looked over the right side of his bed at a particularly boring tile on the floor, not wanting to have to make eye contact to acknowledge what he knew Farah meant.

“It’s okay,” she said. “Amanda told me a little bit of what happened, and you don’t need to tell me anything you don’t want to, but from what I heard it seems like the kind of thing that hurts less when you talk about it with someone else.”

“I’m fine, really–”

Farah raised her eyebrow, questioning the truthfulness of that unconvincing assertion, though still being careful not to push.

Feeling down but also thinking that not much more could go wrong that day, Dirk decided he would share his side of the situation. He had quickly come to trust Farah, and she always knew how to handle difficult circumstances.

He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands, carefully folding them in his lap.

“I don’t know how I didn’t see it coming, honestly. I was so selfish! I wanted a friend _so_ badly that I lied to the first real one I ever had! Now he hates me and I just so feel so awful for putting him in danger and messing up his job and his relationship with Amanda.”

Farah listened closely, with careful nods and reassuring hums. “He could have chosen not to stay through the case with you, Dirk. I know you feel like you forced him to stay with you because of the push and pull of the universe or whatever, but maybe you should cut yourself some slack. I mean, he chose to do everything he did with his job and Amanda, following you into danger was the same type of free choice.”

Farah watched as Dirk seemed to think this over, and his face softened as if he hadn’t yet considered things from that point of view.

A couple more seconds of contemplation, however, brought a troubling frown to his face, accompanied by almost imperceptibly watery eyes.

“He said I ruined his life, Farah! That I _deserve_ to be alone!”

Farah had to take a moment to process that new information. From what Amanda said, she had guessed Todd had lashed out pretty harshly, but she didn’t know he told Dirk _that_. 

She thought for a moment, trying to consider things from Todd’s perspective.

“I don’t think he really meant that. Even if he did, in his state of anger, you have to know that that isn’t true. You deserve good friends who care about you. You’re a good person. I know I haven’t known you––either of you––for that long, but it’s clear to me that you care about Todd and he cares about you.”

She paused, looking Dirk over to try and gauge his reaction to what she had said so far. He looked a little saddened and very embarrassed; Farah decided to push a bit on what she had first guessed was really bothering him.

“I don’t know exactly what those feelings entail on your end, but Todd might have just been overwhelmed trying to process your revelations about Patrick Spring as well as Amanda being angry with him and everything just being generally ridiculous. I bet he’ll cool down now that the case is over, you know.”

Dirk nodded his head in agreement, knowing that he too had felt overwhelmed by the bizarre and confusing mess that this case had been.

“I know I shouldn’t be this upset about it, I know, but– but I was just so happy to finally have a real friend and– it’s like I ruined it all before it even started!”

Farah thought about how she always felt comforted by friends who gave her a casual way to start talking about more detailed personal feelings, making it so she would be able to work _with_ her anxiety around a topic rather than feel unable to speak because of it. 

Deciding to share, she said, “Hey, I get it. The Brotzman siblings are pretty damn cool. I remember that time I was hanging out with Amanda while you and Todd were going through the underground maze... I had made the fake FBI agent leave and we were just sitting together and talking to pass the time while keeping a look-out. I remember thinking about how much fun she was to be around and just how _cool_ she was!”

Farah smiled. When Dirk did the same, she knew he understood what she was getting at.

She hadn’t known either of them for long, but it didn’t take much for someone to see how much Dirk liked being around Todd. 

She continued, “I mean, I don’t think I’ve _ever_ gotten a crush that fast. But, wow! She’s so funny and confident and her hair is so pretty and her _laugh_ , yeah. Yeah.”

“Amanda is great,” Dirk said. “The first time I met her is when I drove Todd over to see her so they could play music together! Her energy was completely infectious, she was so happy just making music with her brother. Todd was having so much fun, and he was smiling at her like he wasn’t worried about anything in the world!”

He grinned, but then almost immediately flattened out his mouth into an attempt to avoid having to contemplate the implications of his happiness at that memory.

“Dirk,” Farah said. “It’s okay, I promise. You’re allowed to be upset about what he said to you and you’re allowed to feel however you’re feeling about him in general.”

Dirk tensed. “But I put him in danger! Now the FBI and most likely Blackwing know about him because of me! Being around _me_ has _ruined_ his life, he said it himself! And really, Farah, there’s no way he would still want to be around me now that he knows about holistic assassins and secret government teams and all of the other shit that follows me and anyone I meet. Those things aside, even, I’m just so scared I’ll make things difficult for him, you know. Just having me around.” 

Farah took a deep breath in, encouraging her clearly tired friend to do the same. She understood, at least generally, what was bothering him so much. 

She remembered the time in middle school when she had liked her classmate Erin. They had their science class together and Farah always looked forward to being lab partners with Erin, making sure to save her a seat at her table. Farah was still relatively young, but somehow she knew that letting anyone, especially adults like her teachers or Erin’s parents, find out what she felt for Erin might create a scary situation for the both of them. 

Dirk shuffled around on his small mattress and reached over for the glass of water sitting on the side table. He took a slow sip, put the glass back down, and sighed as he turned back over to face Farah. 

He ran his hand through his hair and closed his eyes. He opened them slowly as he looked back at Farah. “I know you know what I’m thinking. I just– it’s so hard to say it out loud. That’ll make it real and then I can’t ignore it anymore.”

“I know,” Farah said, watching as Dirk’s increasingly shiny eyes silently pleaded with her to somehow absolve him of this emotional turmoil without needing him to speak his mind. 

Farah remembered how Dirk had attempted to comfort her after she was panicking at the Spring Mansion. He was pretty awkward, sure, but he genuinely wanted to reassure her and offer a sense of support. 

Farah thought about how he had softly patted her shoulder and concluded that he probably considered physical contact comforting.

She raised her right arm from where it had been resting on the side of her chair and offered him her hand, and he took it without much hesitation.

Dirk looked around the room, seemingly situating himself among all of the recent events, and took in a shaky breath. “He’s–”

Dirk paused, reaching up to wipe a tear from his cheek, but didn’t make any effort to hide it from Farah since he kept his other hand in hers.

“He thinks he’s such an unlikeable person and that he’s mean and I just don’t understand it, Farah! I mean, he’s hilarious and brave and cares so fiercely about people! Being around him makes me feel calm and energized at the same time, and I don’t think I’ve felt so able to just laugh and be myself with anyone else in my life!”

He rested his forehead on his free hand, blushing at the admission.

Farah tried to get him to look at her, but she settled for grasping his hand a little tighter. 

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Dirk, I promise.”

“But what I feel about it could be!” Dirk exclaimed, his voice straining as he finished.

He brought his hand away from Farah’s and covered his face with both hands.

Recognizing his continual preference for vagueness, Farah wanted to remind him that he could trust her. She imagined it was difficult for him after so many years of people wanting to pry into his mind to figure out how he worked.

Watching him try to steady his breaths, Farah softened her voice. “You can say what you’re feeling. I’m not going to tell anyone. I respect your privacy and I understand how important that is to feeling safe. Like, I work in security, I get it, really.”

They sat in silence for a minute while Dirk tried to regain his composure.

Eventually, he lowered his hands and sat up a bit against the pillows behind him.

Feeling confident enough to use his voice again, he said, “I really like him, Farah. I know I do and I know that I have almost since I first met him. I’m so happy just to be around him but I don’t want anything bad to happen because of that, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“And it’s like– it’s like I can’t _not_ act like I do around him. But what if people see me smiling at him or looking over at him while he talks or just _anything_ honestly. Blackwing could use how I feel about him against both of us, most importantly against him. I just worry that how I act around him or even just how I talk about him could put him in danger…”

Farah considered this. “I think that’s a reasonable concern,” she said, “but you also have to remember Todd’s agency in all of this. If he ever felt like something specific was putting him in some sort of danger he didn’t want to risk, he would have said something and a change would have been made.”

Dirk nodded. “I know you’re right, but I still just feel so embarrassed and I don’t even fully know why!”

“You don’t have to know or understand everything immediately,” Farah replied. “Feelings are weird. Especially feelings that you’ve learned to hide for one reason or another.” 

“You’re right about that for sure,” Dirk said quietly. He opened his mouth slightly as if to continue, but hesitated and looked down instead.

She reached out for his hand again but noticed how his head lowered in a slightly shameful sadness and altered her posture to instead offer a hug.

He gladly accepted, allowing himself to relax once he felt her arms carefully come around him, cautious of his bandaged shoulder.

“Thank you, Farah. Having someone I can talk with, someone who cares about my feelings, is honestly really new to me and still kind of strange.”

“Of course. Hey, that’s what friends are for,” she said, hoping to sound reassuring. “I bet by the time you’re out of here Todd will have cooled down and maybe you two can talk about things.”

Dirk pulled away but wasn’t upset by Farah’s mention of Todd.

He nodded in agreement. “I hope so. I’m still worried about how to talk to him about _this_ though. Now that I’ve realized everything and at least admitted it to myself, I feel like I need to tell him.”

“It’ll work out fine,” Farah replied. “Todd is a good guy, and I doubt he’ll even think about going back to life as a bellhop when he now has the option to solve mysteries with everyone’s favorite holistic detective.” 

She winked as she finished speaking and Dirk smiled at her, seeming much more at ease than when their conversation had begun.

\---

He and Farah had become even better friends since that day, checking in on each other during particularly stressful cases and also just spending free time together. 

Coming to accept his feelings for Todd had been a long and at times draining process, but with the unwavering support of friends like Farah, he had finally been able to feel at peace with himself. 

He had learned that he needed to forgive himself for not knowing things, for not recognizing behavior that others easily understood as flirting or crushing. 

Dirk spent a lot of time working on being more gentle with himself through his process of realization surrounding his feelings for Todd and how that played into his life overall.

His feelings for Todd, his memories of time spent with him, being able to learn and grow through his own emotions relating to him––Dirk recognized and valued all of these as important parts of what made him, well, himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan to extend this fic with more chapters in a similar retrospective style!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated! Check out the amazing [companion art](https://marizetta.tumblr.com/post/619605153971093504/hey-guys-my-dghda-mini-bang-of-2020-is-here-it)! I may turn this into a multi-chapter fic or a series, continuing the retrospective style.


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